Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize