I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
