Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
