Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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