Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
