Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
