I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
