I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
