These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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