I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just gift wrapped bread.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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