My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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