I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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