I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
