dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
