look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
