Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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