textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
