I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
