i would punch a child for taco bell
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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