This is not my ceiling
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
