Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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