I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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