My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
