My cat gives me a boner
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
