What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
