Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Michael Bay diarrhea
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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