Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is the high leading the old right now
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
