Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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