Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize