everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
