I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
