so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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