Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
