oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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