i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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