If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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