onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
