I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
