I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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