he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
