why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
