My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
