He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
