I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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