I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
