i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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