Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
