She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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