Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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