i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
