yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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