There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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