i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
