If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize