nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
