Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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