you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
