I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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