nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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