my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
