I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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