She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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