you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
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