I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
