So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
two words...techno handjob
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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