life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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