We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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