how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
