I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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